Seventh Harry Potter Novel ‘An Unfair Depiction of Post-Hogwarts Employment’

As fans of Harry Potter have been speed reading their way towards the conclusion of J.K. Rowling’s series this week, publishers Bloomsbury are facing a growing wave of resentment at what some are calling “a senseless disregard for Harry’s long-term employment prospects.”

Initial hype over the final Potter tale has soured as readers’ reports are emerging  which appear to confound extensive pre-launch speculation. Contrary to predictions ranging from Harry’s heroic death to the brutal slaughter of all of his school chums, Rowling’s handling of the characters in The Deathly Hallows has proved less bloodthirsty. Instead, having gained a first class degree from Hogwarts’ School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Harry unexpectedly enters into civil service at the Ministry of Magic – an office position which, according to dismayed Potter fans, the graduate magician is eminently over-qualified for.

As detailed in the tome, Harry must undergo a series of tough challenges including tests of verbal reasoning and a trial of typing speed which cinema pundits have already earmarked for an exhilarating set-piece as the task of scripting the film begins. However, in an unusually vicious denouncement New York Times book critic Michiko Kakutani has already lambasted the book, fuming that “the rigorous selection process is not nearly life-threatening enough.”

A spokesperson for the Bloomsbury group responded to the anger expressed by some fans. Seeking to stem the tide of criticism expressed mainly over the internet, Ingrid Hague said: “The ending which appears in the novel is the result of a great deal of careful thought by Ms Rowling. It wasn’t decided upon overnight – you might say, it didn’t get there by magic! Heh... heh.”

Recomposing herself, Ms Hague continued: “We understand that some of our loyal fans were expecting a very different ending to the Harry Potter series. However, following extensive discussions with J.K., we realised that people were still enjoying Harry’s adventures such that it would be a shame not to further develop this multifaceted character. The spectacular way in which The Deathly Hallows ends has been a gift to J.K. in terms of moving Harry into new areas of bookstores. We’re really excited about upcoming releases including Harry Potter and the Effective Management Culture, Harry Potter and the Key Performance Indicators as well as Harry Potter and Photoshop CS for Muggles. But until those are released we’re just thrilled that readers are finally getting their hands on the seventh instalment. We’re quite happy for that to ‘hog’ the limelight for now! Eh? Hog... Hogwarts… Get it?”

In spite of Bloomsbury’s jovial riposte, the webmaster of one of the internet’s most fervently loyal Potter fan groups, www.harrykrishna.com, remained furious. Using only her web name, potty_girl, she said: “I just can’t believe he’s not dead. I’d got on at Hackney Wick – about eight of us on the train were racing our way through The Deathly Hallows. By Brondesbury Park, most of us had realised that it wasn’t heading the way we expected. “I thought maybe it was veering towards a climactic duel with Lord Voldemort around the water cooler, or that the printer would spew out pictures of Harry’s parents. But nothing. Just the occasional administrative difficulty or computer hitch, which were easily solved through calls to the appropriate department. Ron never even photocopies anything amusing around the office.”

Illustration by Jarri Amini