Ninja Industry on the Decline: Tokyo

The Japanese government has confirmed huge losses in the ninja industry in the last decade, as a result of a significant displacement from popular culture.

The announcement was made at the Tokyo Annual Business Conference, where leading representatives from most of the country’s major business sectors were present.

“Sadly it's true,” admitted government official Saeko Iwamura, “we’re just not generating as much revenue as we used to from ninjas, which were our biggest export at one point. There are many reasons for this, but we think the main one is probably because there hasn’t been a decent ninja film or video game in a long time. It’s all been taken over by superheroes in garish spandex, and unfortunately the last pop culture association we had were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The industry never really recovered from that,” Ms Iwamura lamented.

However rumours were rife at the conference that this was merely a government cover-up for obstacles that were actually more practical and commonplace.

“Oh please,” said one anonymous investor, “have you ever tried getting a shuriken through customs? And scuttling about in public wearing black robes has gotten a lot more difficult these days, they’re not very convenient for doing the grocery shopping in, and you’re more likely to be mistaken for some sort of terrorist than a top-end ninja. Now the Japanese can tolerate many things – Hiroshima, diminutive stature, and even being associated with Mr. Miyagi – but being likened to a Muslim is just a no-go area.”

Unfortunately no one from the ninja fraternity was present to comment at the conference. It was later argued that if they could be seen they wouldn’t be very good ninjas in the first place, but reports of their attendance were reinforced by numerous mysterious grappling hooks strewn about the conference hall.

"Al-Qaeda gave me them... Honest..."

Illustration by Jarri Amini