Record Complaints to OFCOM After Hollyoaks Introduces Ugly Character

The regulatory body OFCOM is tonight deciding whether to take action against Channel 4 soap Hollyoaks after the introduction of new character Rachel caused thousands of viewers to call and voice their disgust.

Murmurs of disapproval first began when the proposals for the new character were leaked to fansites, but the trickle became a torrent when a member of the production staff released secretly filmed footage onto the ‘MAD 4 HOLLYOAKS!’ forum, which depicted the flat-chested, glasses-wearing, slightly overweight, frizzy-haired Rachel walking into the Student Union Bar.

The reactions displayed the whole spectrum of human emotion. Among some of the older viewers the typical response was despair. Unemployed layabout Alex Montague, 47, bemoaned the disruption the new character would cause to his typical viewing habits. “How am I supposed to pleasure myself on the sofa with her around? It would be like masturbation Russian roulette- totty, totty, totty, MUNTER,” he explained, before breaking down in tears.

The younger fans were either confused or outraged. Vicky Macdermot, 17, was part of the small minority that optimistically expressed the possibility of a ‘makeover montage’ in the future, after which Rachel would take her rightful place alongside her buxom beauty castmates.

However, the overwhelming majority reacted with nothing but rage. Craig Greig, 19, summed up the consensus neatly: “What right does Hollyoaks have to put an ugly person on my screen? I don’t watch Hollyoaks to see ugly people, I watch it to see beautiful people face melodramatic, implausible scenarios. This just isn’t right, it’s obscene.”