Governments to Introduce ‘Truth in Internet Pornography Act’

Governments across the globe are uniting to sanction the “Truth in Internet Pornography Act” to prevent millions feeling short-changed over wrongly-labelled smut.

The decision comes in the wake of countless angry internet users protesting against falsely advertised pornography, which many attribute as the main reason for numerous failed self-pleasure sessions. As a result, tighter regulations will be imposed upon internet pornography to enable the world’s sexually-active population to continue spreading their seed on keyboards everywhere.

One particularly avid pervert, who rather sensibly wishes not to be named, agrees with the new legislation: “I waited eight hours for Barely Legal 18: Big Trouble in Little Vagina to download, I finally put it on and what do I see? Some frumpy ginger chick with child-bearing hips and a bigger rug than my bathroom floor. There’s no way she could have been younger than 30. Needless to say, I switched that off pronto - that’s eight hours of chafing hard-on I could have got rid of in eight minutes without waiting for that rubbish.”

Following several complaints of a similar nature, governments have now insisted that stars of pornography, both professional and amateur, pose in front of the camera with a legible birth certificate before engaging in any erotic act. 

“We have several criteria of categorisation,” said Liam Fletcher, who spearheaded the campaign. “Firstly, you’re only Barely Legal if you’re within two months past the age of consent. After that, you’re Slightly More Legal, then Bog-Standard, and finally I Can Probably Get This Anywhere variety.

“Of course, we’ve taken everybody into account, not just those lecherous individuals who fantasise about underage girls. MILFs need to pose with at least one child before spreading their legs, to prove that they really are mothers; there also needs to be a clearer distinction between midget and dwarf porn, and in both cases the participants need to be less than 3 feet 5 inches tall. We’re working out how to validate gay and lesbian pornography, but we’re thinking it’ll involve something to do with Dolly Parton and steel toe-cap boots respectively. And ‘amateur’ needs to stop being a euphemism for ‘ugly’.”

“All of this will certainly benefit purveyors of self-pleasure everywhere. It’s about time we added a dollop of honesty to the million-dollar porn industry – it’s the true foundation of good, clean family fun,” Mr Fletcher concluded.