The Hoff Decides to Take Himself Less Seriously

David Hasselhoff has shocked reporters by saying that he has decided to take himself a little less seriously. 

The Hoff made the announcement following an unexpected moment of modesty. “I was posing in a sequined thong for a leg-waxing commercial in Germany after oiling myself up and doing the old Baywatch ‘stomach suck-in,’ and I suddenly realised how ridiculous I must look. My legs are like twigs, I have a hairstyle that’s older than the girls I date, and I’m clinging on to the idea that I’m a lady’s man. Ladyman more like. I thought, have people simply been laughing at me all these years? Is that why students think I’m a ‘legend’? It’s heart-breaking, it really is.”

The Baywatch star, who played the conspicuously un-buffed Mitch Buchannon, has done a bit of soul-searching recently, and has been disappointed by what he’s found. “God, is that me? As far as I can work out, I’m famous for being the guy with the talking car, and then later for being the skimpy guy in a show dominated by butch guys and huge-breasted women. And now I’m famous for making the cheesiest music videos in the world in a country which is notorious for its horrific music. I’m beginning to think that all those people who flock to YouTube for a look at my videos don’t actually appreciate my songs at all. I think they’re just watching them to mock me.”

The Hoff has been trying to get on with his pop career, but is finding revelations about his past increasingly difficult to cope with. “Can you believe I actually complained that a photo of me hadn’t been included in a Berlin museum dedicated to the fall of the Berlin Wall? And it was because I thought that my song ‘Looking for Freedom’ had helped reunite the country. What the hell was I thinking? I don’t think I was being ironic or anything,” said Hasselhoff, clearly aggrieved. 

And his despair didn’t end there: “God, I actually thought that when they had things like ‘Hot Mug of Hoffee’ they were being serious. Beef StroganHoff? How did it not click? Are all of those wordplays just jokes? Christ.” 

Hasselhoff will have to undergo rigorous psychiatric therapy to come to terms with the identity which he has created for himself. “I only hope that people will take me more seriously once I become a true thespian. I’m going to become a Shakespearian actor, then people will have to respect me,” said Hasselhoff.