Israel and Palestine Decide to Take a Break, Try Seeing New People

Israel and Palestine have called off their long-standing feud in order to take a break and try to see other people.

The move, apparently a mutual decision, came as a surprise to many following the enduring tension between the two states.

In a press conference held early this morning, Israel said: “After many, many years of arguing, we’ve decided to take a break. It just got a bit too much for me to handle – I’d come home after a long day, and it’d just be the same old broken record over and over again: when are you going to give me the West Bank, what the hell am I supposed to with Gaza, why didn’t you bring home any fucking napalm… I’d just had enough, really.”

In a separate press conference, Palestine cited other reasons for the split: “I was fed up of the domestic abuse, quite frankly. Not only that, Israel would bring over all those western friends and then they’d just join in and take the piss out of me, putting their feet all over my new sofa and leaving dirty booze kegs everywhere. I wasn’t going to be a silent sufferer any more,” said Palestine, with somewhat abnormal and admittedly terrifying anthropomorphism.

Now that both attractive commodities are on the market, however, it remains to be seen who their future bedfellows will be. When asked, Palestine hinted that it may consider seducing the United States ‘to be controversial, and because I wanna be with someone who’ll spend a bit of money for a change.’

“It’s ok though, we’ve been quite amicable about the split,” maintained Palestine. “We’re splitting things up equally. Israel’s getting Gaza and the house, I’m getting the West Bank plus custody of the kids. Fair trade, I reckon.”

When contacted, Israel vehemently denied this development: “Hold the phone, who said anything about the West Bank? Ok I’ll agree to monthly child support, but territories weren’t part of the pre-nup. Palestine isn’t gonna go all Mills-McCartney on me, I tell you.”

A long, drawn-out court battle for custody of the territories is expected to be foregone in favour of the usual bloodshed and continued violence.