Fat Controller to Sue Rail Company for Abuse in the Work Place

The Fat Controller, known best for his appearance on popular daytime TV show Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends, is taking legal action against his employers for persistent abuse in the workplace.

The Controller, real name Sir Topham Hatt, has gone on strike after continual jibes regarding his weight since 1984, when the television show first aired.

“I’m just so tired of being called by that name,” said Sir Topham. “Yes, I’m the controller of the railway and yes, I am aware that I am a trifle overweight, but I don’t deserve to have my identity reduced to mere physical characteristics and job title.

“I mean, it isn’t fair. I’ve always been a firm but fair leader – whenever any one of those trains misbehaved, I always forgave them and gave them a second chance. You wouldn’t find Gates or Branson doing that, and even then no one dares call them something like Microsoft Four-Eyes or Beardy Virgin.

“Actually,” he continues, “it didn’t get that bad until recently. I’ve always been ok with Henry and Gordon and the other lads, but it’s those bastards Thomas and Percy that really got on my nerves. Every day, it’d be ‘fat arse’ this or ‘tubby’ that… Ungrateful pricks, if it wasn’t for me they’d just be fictional anthropomorphic tank locomotives. I made them what they are. I was the Keyser Soze to their otherwise-uneventful Usual Suspects.”

Former narrator on the TV show and ex-Beatle Ringo Starr, who may be called upon as a witness in court, said: “Mate, they’re all talking to trains. Trains with fucking names and faces. You ask me, the whole lot of them are on some sort of bad acid trip, man.”

The rail company in question will now see their name dragged into court in what looks like one of the most interesting children’s TV court cases of the decade. “Oh for God’s sake,” said a spokesman when asked to comment on the matter, “just throw him a pudding or two and he’ll shut up, the fat bastard.”