One Minute Silence to be Held to Mark Death of Integrity in Football

The Football Association announced today that the opening round of fixtures for the new season will be preceded by a minute of pointless solemnity.

In keeping with the tradition of trying to show empathy with any tragic event, however significant or insignificant, players will line up on the half way line to mark the passing of the sport’s last few remaining admirable characteristics.

FA Chief Brian Barwick explained the decision during a break from his intensive dining schedule at the FA’s Soho Square headquarters.

“For quite some time now football has been on a downward spiral with players earning more in a year than most people earn in a lifetime and fans being priced out of the game for the short term benefit of delusional businessmen. It is now quite certain that British football has lost any integrity which it might once have had.”

In the past decade or so an obligatory minute’s silence has been the norm at the start of many football matches to mark the death of someone no one has ever really heard of or that the club may have been loosely connected to. Traditionally a minute of silent reflection was reserved for national tragedy or a footballing great such as Sir Stanley Matthews. Critics point to the death of Diana, Princess of Wales as the turning point, including sensible sanity-amongst-madness commentator Barry Davies.

“I was there for silences for Churchill and Bobby Moore, then Diana died and it snowballed. Last season an entire Saturday of football was preceded by a minute’s morning for Raith Rovers reserve player John McCravandale who played five times in 1972 before being loaned to Elgin City where he retired and became a bus driver. It’s beyond a joke. A lot of the time people aren’t even sure why they’re not talking, especially some of the foreign players who fail to grasp what is going on at all.”

Former West Ham and Sheffield Wednesday striker Paolo di Canio agrees with Davies.