Afghanistan’s Secret Army Finally Uncovered

Disturbing new pictures of a secret army being trained by the Afghan government have been unveiled, under which there were, in fact, more veils.

The photograph was leaked by an unknown source within the ISI, the Pakistani intelligence agency, and shows a group of riled, veil-wearing women brandishing rather sizeable bamboo poles and megaphones, which will presumably be used to rally more troops through an elaborately choreographed song and dance sequence.

The pictures have caused panic in the western world, with leaders unsure of how to respond. “Both the White House and Downing Street are in chaos,” said political analyst Leo Maplethorpe. “They don’t know how to react to this mysterious army immediately, but we’ve been assured that they’re watching the film 300 numerous times to try and organise some sort of slow-motion battle plan. ‘What would Gerard Butler do?’ seems to be the mentality right now, and I’m sure it’ll see the west triumph again like it did all those years ago.”

However there are rumours that this could be a false lead in a bid to disguise the true horror of an allied response. “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction,” said one source, who wished to remain anonymous lest he lose his job salivating over the Bush children, “So we’re sending in the Pussycat Dolls. Half-naked nymphets with whips will totally demolish any misguided notion of virtue these pole-wielding barbarians may have.”

When contacted, the Afghan government were quick to rebuff the rumours. “No, no, it’s not an army,” said a spokesman from Afghanistan, “It’s, er… It’s our Olympic pole vault team. London 2012 here we come, and all that shite.”