Police Crackdown on Pokemon Trainers Under Animal Protection Legislation

A Special Branch spokeswoman today announced the successful arrest of several of Britain's most prominent Pokémon trainers for a variety of animal abuse related charges. This comes after a long running undercover exercise led by Special Branch in co-operation with Interpol known as “Operation: Gotta Catch 'Em All’.

Brian Hayes is one of the more extreme examples the officers encountered. Upon entering the basement of the 35 year-old's Suffolk bungalow they were sickened by what they found. Officer Xavier Francis recalls: "There was a pit in the middle of the room covered in a thick layer of blood, scales and fur. At first we didn't fully comprehend the gravity of the situation until we saw the claw marks gouged out the wall, the scorch marks on the ceiling and the craters on the floor. Then we began to realise what had taken place here."

The officer's worst suspicions were confirmed when they dug up the patio in the back garden. Underneath were over 40 rotting Pokémon carcasses, including an entire family of Pikachus. It seems that in his fervent desire to become the very best, like no one ever was, Hayes conducted an extreme version of cock-fighting in which two Pokémon were forced to duel each other to the death. He is currently charged with 62 counts of cruelty to animals, with the RSPCA campaigning for the maximum sentence possible. Rolf Harris, presenter of Animal Hospital, has also released a charity single, "It's not cool to Pikabuse" to raise funds to help with the rehabilitation of Hayes' remaining Pokémon.

Direct abuse in the arena of combat is not the only criminal activity the officers have handled. One of the more depressing cases was that of Clarissa Tait, whose Strathclyde home contained the macabre display of the pickled remains of 149 specimens, some of which come from species near extinction, most likely killed by poachers. According to neighbours she was dragged from her home by four officers screaming, "I just need MewTwo! I have to collect them all, dammit!"

A bizarre isolated incident was that of Gregor Gates, who is being prosecuted under the Dangerous Dogs act for failing to adequately supervise his Charizard. The 5 metre tall fire-breathing dragon was described by Gates as "harmless, he wouldn’t hurt a fly" in an initial interview, a statement later retracted after "Charlie", as he was affectionately known, reduced an entire school bus to embers after its orange paintwork led him to mistakenly believe it was another of his species moving in on his territory. There were no survivors.