Conservatives Demand Guitar Classification

The leader of the Conservative Party, David Cameron, today demanded an independent public enquiry to uncover what he described as “the full extent of Tony Blair’s guitar enthusiasm”.

The move comes after an acoustic guitar was presented to the former Prime Minister by colleagues in his final cabinet meeting. According to the Conservative leader, Mr Blair’s eager acceptance of the gift and comparative coyness to disclose details of instrumental repertoire or proficiency represents a subtle attempt to ‘sex-up’ his rock-star credentials.

Speaking in the House of Commons, Mr Cameron firmly rejected allegations that today’s announcement was simply the latest in a string of unnecessary and wasteful public enquiries. He said: “Taxpayers have a right to know just what is meant by the vague and evasive language such as ‘keen guitarist’ and ‘laudable fret skills’ which filters out of Whitehall.“

As he takes up the post of Middle East Envoy, we are extremely concerned about gaps in intelligence on Mr Blair’s true levels of competency on the instrument. Those outside of the Labour cabinet have have been left in the dark as to whether we are to be represented internationally by a ‘Whatever you want’ or a ‘Free Bird’ politician.“

With regard to my Right Honourable Friend’s performance record, it is vital that we discover where failures occurred through lack of practice and, if mistakes were made while Mr Blair was in office, whether the former Prime Minister was taking a lead or a rhythm role in the implementation of the music in question.”

In response to Mr Cameron’s announcement, a private member’s bill was immediately introduced in the House of Commons urging exemption for MPs from Freedom of Information requests regarding musical ability.

No Labour party officials were available to comment, though an unnamed source within the Deputy Prime Minister’s office revealed that Mr Prescott remains unapproachable after having received an empty drinks stand in recognition of his ten years of service.