PC Owner Bursts Own Eardrums to Silence Tiresome Mac User

A PC owner took the drastic step of bursting his own eardrums last night in a desperate bid to escape the patronising rant of a Mac user.

Michael Slater, a student from London, plunged pencils deep into each of his ears after he was forced to endure a relentless six hour monologue on the merits of owning a Mac. Like many unfortunate PC owners, Michael became embroiled in a conversation in which he had not willingly chosen to participate, and saw no alternative but to take his own sense of hearing. 

After Michael left his door in student accommodation ajar, Robert Ashford, a Mac enthusiast, seized his opportunity. Sticking his head around the door, he entered Michael’s room under the pretence of friendship and curiosity. And yet his sinister motives soon became apparent.

“I was just sitting in my room playing Counterstrike,” said Michael, who now speaks like a deaf person. “And then this guy suddenly appeared. I thought we’d just have a beer and talk about films or something, but he didn’t want a conversation. He just wanted to tell me how great his Mac was. I felt so used.”

Robert began with a description of his Mac’s appearance, which he said was ‘truly beautiful.’ “At first I thought he was talking about his girlfriend,” said Michael, “But turns out he was harping on about his Mac. He then told me that the great thing about Macs is ‘they just work,’ a comment which annoyed me beyond belief. But of course, it didn’t stop there. His misguided sense of self-importance and his droning, Dalek-like voice was incessant.”

Robert went through a list of the Mac’s functions, citing its chique design, its superior operating system, its excellent photograph editing software, and a variety of other features to prove his point. Little did he know that Michael simply didn’t care. 

“He said that it’s good at editing photos and crashes less. So what? My mouse has two buttons and a mousewheel. I can play good computer games. What’s his point? All I want to do with photos is take them, upload them and stick them on Facebook. Unless you’re a total retard, you can do that with a PC. By this stage I just wanted Robert to get out of my room, so I went to bed and fell asleep, hoping he would take the hint. When I woke up in the middle of the night, he’d brought his Mac into my room to show me some of its amazing features.