White Man Doesn't Finish Last in 100 Metres

A white man has astounded the world of athletics by not finishing last in a 100 metre race, beating a black athlete in the process. 

Lewis Dreyfuss, a Caucasian male athlete from Milton Keynes Athletics Club, finished a remarkable 7^th place in the event, the equivalent of a black athlete winning. 

Lewis revealed that a training regime based on damage limitation, a desire to avoid embarrassment and a mentality founded on crushing negativity had ultimately not paid dividends: “My initial thoughts before any race were, ‘Just try and finish within ten metres of a black guy.’ If you’re in the same camera shot as him, you’re already exceeding expectations.” 

But when he woke up on July 7^th, Lewis felt uncharacteristically positive. “I just thought, to hell with this, I can win this thing. Then when I was thinking a bit more clearly, I thought, okay, maybe not win it, but definitely not finish last. After all, so many things can go wrong. One of the black runners might not tie his shoe laces properly, or he might develop cramp, or get two false starts, or have a slight hamstring problem…I thought, if even one of these things happens, I can win. Well, finish 7^th.” 

The race itself started like any other. Seven lean, athletic black men took their places on the starting blocks. They were joined by a skinny, pasty white man who looked like he had no skin pigment. Usually he would be humiliated by peers and their sprinting prowess, but not today. Lewis Dreyfuss, the man from MK, had certainly not read the script, as every commentator ever has said at some point in their career. 

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” said commentator Stephen West, “It was like…I don’t know, seeing someone other than a Kenyan or an Ethiopian winning a middle distance race, or watching a good advert with Michael Winner in it. These things don’t happen every day. Admittedly the guy that Lewis beat was recovering from an ankle injury, but it’s best to gloss over these things in the name of generating massive public reaction to a pretty mundane, irrelevant event. Where would we Brits be without unnecessary hype, after all?” 

Lewis can be seen at the Indoor Championships in Hull next week, where he will again be looking to outrun at least one black man.