Nun Assaulted in Batman Confusion

A nun has been attacked by two drunken men who assumed her to be dark-cloaked superhero, Batman.

Sister Agatha Harcourt, of an unnamed Yorkshire nunnery, claimed to be ‘extremely shaken-up’ by the incident, which occurred late on Friday night outside a local pub. “It was horrible. They just came up to me with that heathen alcohol on their breath and shouted at me for not having a Batmobile or giving them Catwoman’s number. Luckily I managed to use some of the jujitsu training imparted to every nun and escaped with my flower intact. It’s not just the Shaolin monks that can kick arse you know. Although they do get the vast majority of the film deals.”

Sister Agatha also took this opportunity to lament the treatment of the clergy. “It isn’t right,” she stated. “First we’re subjected to the Flying Nun routine thanks to a million pillow cases the world over, then that Whoopi Goldberg and her Sister Act films set us back a decade. And now this.” She was also quick to assert that DC Comics and Christian Bale had ‘innocent, ripe, virginal blood on their hands’.

Local police played down the incident, confirming that Sister Agatha was in fact ‘not Batman’. Reports that she is actually Christian Bale in drag seem to be equally unfounded, though one eyewitness claims that Sister Agatha looked ‘more like George Clooney than a woman ought’.

The incident is the latest in a number of superhero-related attacks in the country, following last week’s assault on a Chinese shopkeeper in Yeovil for not stocking Green Lanterns. 

Although many of these attacks have been unprovoked, it is yet to be established precisely why Sister Agatha was outside a pub on Friday night with a bottle of WKD in her hand. The investigation continues.

Illustration by Holly Conrad