Smooth London Underground Service Causes Widespread Panic

A wave of unmitigated panic and confusion swept London on Thursday as commuters were faced with a perfectly functioning Underground service.

With efficient and delay-free services running on every line, the chaos which ensued was devastating. Commuter John Dorian, a stockbroker from Dulwich, is still recovering from the recent events. “I simply couldn’t believe it. I accept that the odd train might be on time, but for every line to be functioning so well? I just couldn’t cope.”

His suspicions were first aroused when he arrived at London Victoria. “It said that all lines were running a good service, but I assumed that this was down to a technical fault and that in fact the trains were running a piss-poor service as usual. But when I arrived on the platform the train arrived. I stepped on to the carriage and was practically hyperventilating. There were spare seats, it wasn’t stiflingly hot, and there wasn’t the fetid stench of B.O. being continually wafted in my face. I was terrified.”

At first John assumed that it must be down to terrorists. “I thought that only Al-Qaeda could have the capability to terrorise Londoners like this. Londoners expect intolerable journeys to work every day, and yet this privilege was being stripped away from them. It could only be Osama Bin Laden.” 

Police have however assured the general public that terrorists were not to blame for the efficient service on Tuesday. “All the evidence suggests that terrorists had nothing to do with this recent catastrophe. It seems that the good service was merely a remarkable coincidence. We can ensure commuters that we will be doing our utmost to make sure that this doesn’t happen again.”

This whole saga meant that numerous people found themselves not only on time for work, but early. At about 8.45am, people could be seen loitering in the streets outside office blocks, determined not to go in before 9am and do any more work than they had to. John was one of these victims.