Man Deems Penis Enlargement a Waste of Time

Dean Keaton, a vegetable slicer from Wisconsin, is a recent and dissatisfied recipient of penis enlargement surgery.  

Mr Keaton was always quite happy with the size of his member, but after his brother hooked him up to the internet, he started to question whether it was adequate at all. “It had never been an issue for me. I’d never had any complaints from women before. But when my brother set an e-mail account up for me, it turned out that loads of women thought I needed a larger custard-chucker. It wasn’t just one woman either. Hrny_kelly, slut_jezabel46 and dildo_thruster666 had all voiced their concerns and told me to sort it out. Who am I to argue with such a ubiquitous consensus?” 

At first, Mr Keaton tried to ignore the e-mails. “That wasn’t the only thing that I had wrong with me. Apparently I couldn’t keep it up long enough to satisfy my woman, and I was paying too much on my mortgage. I was being told this kind of thing every day. It’s enough to make you feel insecure.” With a manageable mortgage, a satisfied wife and a stable family life, Mr Keaton just couldn’t figure out why all these women cared so much. 

“In the end, I decided to be done with it and just get my penis enlarged. Maybe mngr_jade5929 had a point after all.” The surgery was a resounding success, and Mr Keaton couldn’t help noticing how ridiculously large it was. “Finally I thought the ordeal was over. But then the next day I had even more e-mails from these women demanding that I get a penis enlargement! Well, that’s when I put my foot down. And almost stepped on my willy in the process.”  

Mr Keaton decided that the problem probably wasn’t with him, after all. “If slut_jezabel46 is still complaining that my cock isn’t big enough, I figure it’s probably because she errs slightly on the promiscuous side. So I started writing e-mails back to her suggesting that maybe she should get her mud flaps pulled tighter together. As it is you could probably use her labia as a bungee cord. I also hinted that if she wants to be taken a little bit more seriously, maybe she should eliminate the ‘slut’ part of her name and thereby gain at least a modicum of self-respect.  

“Frankly my large manhood is scant consolation, as nobody seems impressed, and I’m completely skint. Having said that, there are worse nicknames than tripod,” he concluded.