UK Launches Massive Attack on Middle East

The UK has inflicted Bristol-based trip-hop band Massive Attack on the Middle East in a shock renewal of hostilities.

The move was sanctioned in the early hours of the morning, in a bid to ‘completely obliterate the terrorists through elaborate cacophony’. A spokesman from Downing Street confirmed the news, saying that the band’s ‘jarring mix of jazz, hip-hop, rock, and more recently dark electronica’ would provide the key to solving the Middle Eastern crisis and would ‘send terrorists fleeing back to the mountains’.

The spokesman continued: “Today, we need a weapon to attack our enemy mentally rather than physically, and let’s face it, chemical weapons are getting a bit passé ever since Saddam lost his job as their PR guy. So we sat down and thought, let’s aurally violate them. Since the logistics of sticking the proud phallus of a British soldier into every terrorist eardrum were a bit complicated, we had to come up with an alternative.

“There was strong competition from the likes of Madonna and Robson & Jerome, but then we came across Massive Attack’s greatest hits album. After all, what’s more effective than bombarding someone with a piece of crap? Bombarding them with ten years of crap, that’s what.”

However sources close to Downing Street have not ruled out the presence of Madonna, claiming that her video ‘Like a Virgin’ will be projected on big screens to try and deter suicide bombers. “If they see that monstrosity with those cones on her jubblies, they’ll forget their 72 virgins in no time. Hell, they probably won’t want to have sex with a woman ever again,” said our source.

How the entire operation will be carried out remains unknown. The use of a heavily modified Citroen Saxo - replete with crunked-up rims, a blaring sub-woofer, and Burberry seat covers - has not been ruled out.