Scientists Find Link Between Global Warming and the Size of Independent Headlines

Researchers have found shocking evidence of a link between global warming and the size of the typeface on The Independent front page.

In what one expert called ‘damning evidence of the link between the middle classes and the health of our planet,’ the scientists compared samples of The Independent from the last five years with data on average global temperatures and carbon dioxide emissions.

Professor Werner Quatsch, who led the project, believes that the evidence is beyond question. “Over the past few years there has been an increasingly large type used on the front page of The Independent as smaller articles are pushed out in favour of apocalyptic scenarios. If you superimpose a graph of the average size of The Independent headline over a graph showing global warming, they are an almost identical match. We tried several types of comparison and each time came out with a similar result, there is simply no question that global warming is having a profound effect on the diversity of The Independent.”

Whilst this apparently conclusive evidence will be shocking to some, experts have been predicting and observing the knock-on effects of environmental catastrophe for some time. Hakan Berg of the European Press Institute said: “This research comes as no surprise to me. The Independent is the most noticeable victim of global warming but there have also been significant changes in the makeup of The Guardian and Times. Some newspapers such as the Daily Mirror have managed to escape relatively lightly, only featuring the environment when it affects honest white hardworking van drivers.”

A spokesperson for the Independent Media Group, owner of the Independent, insisted that whilst the newspaper had been a victim of climate change, the long-term outlook was favourable.

“When you consider that most Independent readers are middle class and don’t live in East Anglia, our market share will actually go up as the traditional right-wing hotspots of the Thames valley and Suffolk vanish underwater.”

Concern over the state of newspaper diversity appears to be worrying the public as well as industry analysts. One Independent reader told thenewsentry.com: “If I look at my Independent today and compare it with ten years ago the changes are very noticeable indeed. Thanks to global warming my morning read fills me with fear that a tsunami might swamp my train before I can get to Manchester Piccadilly. It’s quite clear that unless we do something about global warming, The Independent could be lost to us forever.”