Footballer Outraged At Being Overpaid

Footballer Clarence Patin has reacted angrily to news that his club will be offering him a £40,000 a week pay-rise.  

The versatile Patin, who can play in either central defence or a holding midfield role, and who has great touch for a tall man, claims that he is totally over-appreciated. “What really gets my goat is that I’m already on 50 grand a week. Do I look like I need more money? I just spent 400 quid on getting my dreadlocks de-loused and then I spent a further £2000 on England to win the next World Cup. Effectively I’m just throwing money away,” said Patin, clearly aggrieved. 

“The other day I bought a toothbrush that sings and paid for one of those super-realistic blow-up dolls. It’s pretty much like the real thing, but you don’t need to use so much Rohypnol. I mean, err…talk her into bed. You don’t need to have such good chat-up lines is what I meant to say…can we not use that bit in the actual article?” he asked, pleadingly.  

The decision to increase Patin’s pay came as a host of other clubs put in bids for the talented youngster. “We are desperate for Clarence to stay; he’s a gifted player and is the future of our team. We are willing to do anything to ensure that he stays with us,” said Antonio Wallace, head coach at the club. “What we didn’t expect was for Clarence to react so strongly to the suggestion that we raise his pay. It suggests that he has some integrity or at the very least isn’t greedy, and that’s completely thrown us. We’ve never seen anything like it before.” 

“Now what the hell am I meant to do?” continued Patin, “I don’t think there are any TVs or sound systems more expensive than the ones I’ve got. And what am I supposed to do with my Aston Martin? I suppose I could get a newer model, but it would almost feel like I was just doing it for the sake of it, you know?”  

Luckily, Patin has come up with a plan which he feels will make sure he is not over-valued again. “I think I’ll just play a bit worse this season. You know, put in a bit less effort. That should do the trick. I mean, I kick a football around for a living. Is this not what every man dreams of? That and having a threesome with Jessica Alba and Elisha Cuthbert obviously, but that’s not really a job is it? But if it was, would you demand 50 grand a week for it? Only if you were gay or hated fit women,” concluded the apparently sex-deprived Patin.