Posh Student Finally Perfects Art of Consonant-free Speech

Edward Woodward, a student at the University of Edinburgh, has officially become the first posh student, or ‘rah’, to speak exclusively using vowel sounds.  

The young student, who now calls himself ‘Eee-aaa Ooh-aaa,’ has managed to eradicate ‘vulgar’ consonants from his speech. For many, this marks the next stage in rah evolution, or ‘rahvolution’: “The implications are massive,” said Clement Mung, a polo mallet maintenance worker from Jedburgh, “I mean, they were hard enough to understand as it is. Now they literally talk their own language. We’ll have even less in common than we did before.” 

Where things go from here is still being fiercely debated. Some leading evolutionary biologists believe that eventually rahs will be able to communicate through overblown and superficial gestures alone. But scientists are reminding people that this is still many years off. “As it stands, rahs are in a transitional stage. The removal of consonants from their speech is not a purely ornamental development” said Joseph Carmichael, a scientist at the Flaherty Institute. “It has some undoubted benefits as well. In loud clubs, consonants are the hardest sounds to amplify. Vowels, by contrast, are considerably easier. For example, the frequently misheard ‘coke’ is now simply ‘oh’. And it’s well-suited to amplification.” 

Scientists are also keen to point out that this is the only beneficial aspect of rahvolution. “A penchant for pashminas, phone calls to daddy for extra money and skiing holidays are all familiar territory for rahs, but in themselves they are of little benefit. Male rahs’ feigned knowledge of football is another bewildering aspect of rahvolution. We’re still trying to figure that one out.”  

What is certain is that Mr Woodward’s hitherto unique ability is causing a stir in the scientific community. “He’s not quite the finished article yet. He said ‘fucking flange shag’ the other day when he stubbed his toe on a desk, so remnants of his old speech patterns remain. But his explanation for this uncharacteristic outburst was consonant-free. I didn’t understand a word of it.”  

Currently, Edward is forced to communicate with fellow classmates and lecturers via a translator, the first fully-bilingual person of this kind to do so. “Soon this skill will be much in demand. It may even be compulsory for aspiring Edinburgh students to take a course in it so that they can communicate with this ever-increasing societal substratum of rahs,” warned Mr Carmichael.