'The Big Issue' Fears Its Salesmen Lack Business Acumen

Popular magazine ‘The Big Issue’ has released a scathing indictment of its salesmen, saying that they lack the cutting edge needed to survive in an increasingly competitive marketplace.  

There are growing concerns that their lack of motivation and tendency towards inebriation is affecting their sales, and ‘The Big Issue’ is keen to reiterate that it is a business, not a charity. “To be honest, as it stands we may as well just grab a load of homeless people off the streets and get them to sell it. It’s honestly got that bad, we’re going to have to construct a whole new business model just to make this company viable again,” said a company employee, who has chosen to remain anonymous. 

The magazine has been the read-of-choice for guilt-stricken Britons for years, but the drab and uninspiring pitches are finally starting to grate with members of the British public. “I remember the first time I heard a Big Issue salesman singing a festive rendition of ‘Big Issue a Merry Christmas,’ a very clever play on words. Do you get it? You know, like ‘We wish you’ becomes ‘Big Issue’? You see? Anyway, I thought that was brilliant. Nowadays they just seem to drool, slur the words ‘Big Issue’ and then belch loudly in your face before forcefully thrusting the dirt-covered, crumpled and urine-drenched magazine at you like some sort of lecherous paedophile. It’s disgusting.” 

But company employee Chris, as he shall be referred to for the purposes of anonymity, has stressed the fact that this is a problem which can be tackled at the most fundamental level. “The next time you see a Big Issue salesman on the streets, do not simply hand over your money if he is not enthusiastic or committed to his job. Make them work for their money by insisting that they drop their trousers and perform an amusing and spontaneous dance. Alternatively, laugh derisively at them and then throw coppers everywhere and watch them scurrying around picking them up. Either way they regain some much-needed self-respect and you feel more justified in parting with your £1.20. Everyone’s a winner.” 

Many Big Issue salesmen simply turn up to work in clothes which they have worn for days on end. They show up late, often forget to shave, and are accompanied by a malodorous whiff which lingers in the air around them. Some of them have even admitted to not even possessing any experience in marketing or sales. 

‘The Big Issue’ is currently thought to be discussing a sweeping reform in its selling tactics.