Guinea Pigs Officially Make The Worst Pets

A recent survey has found that guinea pigs are the most pointlessly idiotic and worst pets that money can buy.  

The survey, conducted across the UK, found that guinea pigs were considerably more irritating than any other pets. “I’m not a big fan of animals anyway, but guinea pigs are truly the undisputed masters of upsetting everyone and achieving nothing,” said Mary Longfield, who conducted the survey. “Essentially the only people who buy guinea pigs are people that haven’t done any research whatsoever. You need only delve slightly further to see why they’re such inadequate creatures.” 

Ms Longfield cited numerous examples of their shortcomings. “Like many pets, guinea pigs only live for about five years or so. This is just enough time for the children to form some kind of formative bond with the creature before it dies and upsets everyone. It’s a nightmare explaining to the kids that guinea pigs don’t go to heaven, but rather to a place for annoying animals. You’ll also find mosquitoes, tiny dogs and Michael Winner there. Is he even dead yet? No? Well he bloody well ought to be.

“Guinea pigs fail on numerous other levels as well. They’re vegetarians for a start. You can imagine that if they could talk, they’d be all moral about not eating meat. As if being anaemic is some kind of achievement. Guinea pigs are also sociable creatures. In layman’s terms this means that you have to buy two of the bastards or one of them will get depressed and take it out on you by dying and leaving you with a house full of weeping children.”  

Guinea pigs are also ill-adapted to all environments, as they are shy creatures and prone to heart attacks. “The trouble is that they just sit there shaking the whole time. If you put them outside in a cage, they’ll just have a heart attack and die as soon as they see anything which remotely scares them. And as their survival instinct is to mask pain and signs of illness, you never know when they’re ill. Worst. Evolution. Ever.” 

Ms Longfield does think that South America has found a niche for guinea pigs which she argues should be adopted in the West. “In South America they eat them. They don’t actually taste too bad. Not great, but it’s satisfying when you think that it’s prevented some family from having to deal with them. I’m now on a guinea pig only diet,” said Ms Longfield, who finished by concluding that it’s best to just stick with rabbits.