Cosmetics To Be Tested On The Ugly

Cosmetics firms have decided to appease animal rights activists by testing their products on aesthetically unfortunate humans instead. 

The move follows increasing pressure from groups such as PETA, who have repeatedly campaigned against unethical treatment of animals, including the testing of beauty products. A spokesperson from the group, Leanne Stanton, said that it was ‘a victory for both humans and animals alike’ and would prove to be extremely beneficial in the long run. “A duck would rather be run over by an 18-wheeler after straying from a pond than look like an upmarket whore,” Ms. Stanton said at a recent press conference. “And no longer will innocent cats grow up to be gender-confused after their constant exposure to that disgusting Jade Goody fragrance.” 

However, the decision has sparked outrage from human rights campaigners, particularly those belonging to bloated charitable organisation Fat Fighters. A member of the organisation, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that such a move "would ostracise the painfully unattractive community further, and we won’t take part in it. Unless they’re testing anything flavoured. Then we might think about it."

Many cosmetics companies have pledged their support for the new scheme, deeming it ‘much more ethical given today’s social climate’. “Let’s face it, these lot need the beauty products more than the animals do,” said Maxwell Seton, a representative of a leading cosmetics firm. “If we can spare people the sight of a hideous individual, I’d say we’re doing the world a service. Besides, animal testing is a waste of time until we get bestiality legalised. Might as well glamorise everyone else in the meantime.” 

Despite the furore, the news seems to have been well received amongst teenage girls in Essex, where an unprecedented number of applicants have been accepted.