TV Psychic Astounds Audience With Vague Insights Into Man's Life

A TV psychic astounded a studio audience recently when he revealed, among other things, that a man’s dead mother was a woman.  

With no previous knowledge of either the man or his immediate family, psychic Derek Edwards went on to make other amazingly insightful observations, such as the fact that somewhere in their house they had one or more chairs, and that they had radiators in some of the rooms.  

“It was really eerie, it sent shivers down my spine. How he knew all this is a complete mystery to me,” said Tim Blowhole, the man whose dead mother Derek contacted. “It was like he’d been to my house before. He knew that I had a fridge, and he said that I liked doing things in my spare time, and that I enjoyed relaxing. It was like his piercing glare was penetrating the depths of my soul. Before I came along I was a bit sceptical, but now I’m a firm believer.” 

Derek contacted Tim’s dead mother by a rather unusual procedure. “Basically he just stood there and started saying the first letters of words, for example ‘T,’ ‘S,’ and ‘M.’ Then I shouted out “Mary, my mum was called Mary!” I mean, how the hell did he know that my mum was called Mary? The man’s got a gift, there’s no doubt about it.”  

Tim feels particularly reassured that his mum is enjoying the afterlife, though he wishes she had been slightly more specific regarding her instructions for him. “Derek told me that she was telling me not to worry, and that I’d know what she was talking about. Well, not really. Maybe she’s telling me not to worry about the Big Brother nominations too much, it’s been playing on my mind recently. But that’s a slightly weird thing for my mum’s ghost to care about. Oh well, I suppose ghosts are probably quite weird about things like that.” 

Tim felt that the experience had been a triumph for the psychic world. “This is a real kick in the nuts for all those sceptics out there. I mean, how could he possibly have known that my mum was a woman? He didn’t even know her,” said Steve, visibly excited.  

“And it doesn’t end there. He also said that just to prove how legitimate it all was, he’d give me some more pertinent information about her, and I was astounded by what he knew. He said that she used to get grumpy when she was tired, that she liked holidays in nice countries, enjoyed indoor and/or outdoor activities, and wasn’t a big fan of crippling physical pain. That’s my mum down to a tee. Suck on that, sceptics!” said Tim, before drooling on himself and saying how great Scientology was.