Celine Dion’s heart “will not go on”

A recent report commissioned in the United States has discovered that Celine Dion’s heart will in fact ‘not go on’.

The report comes almost a decade after Dion’s smash-hit song ‘My Heart Will Go On’, from the motion picture Titanic, was released. The song has been the source of much confusion amongst all music-lovers in the United States, with growing fears that the French-Canadian may well have been talking literally. “Is Dion tampering with the occult again?” wondered one concerned music critic from a leading American magazine. “Her heart will go on… Does that mean we’re doomed to hear that merciless warbling forever?”

One source close to the singer claims that the French-Canadian chanteuse is not, contrary to common belief, hidden away in a recording studio trying to record a new album. Instead, says our source, the singer has developed a rather disturbing affinity for necromancy and pentagrams in the hope of achieving eternal life.

However the emergence of this new report has allayed all fears of potential immortality. “We did a thorough check,” said chief investigator Dr. Ronald Epstein, “Despite outward appearances, she’s definitely human and therefore, by God’s grace, will not live forever. Celine, if you’re listening: near, far, wherever you are… you’re gonna kick the bucket, love.”

The news comes as a huge relief to the music world, and has also resulted in the abandonment of similar reports on other terrifying songs. Dr. Epstein provided succinct comments on popular tracks such as R. Kelly’s ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ (“a clear case of substance abuse”), Rock Master Scott’s “The Roof is on Fire” (“it really, really isn’t”), and Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I Will Survive’ (“not unless you get run over by a truck, dear”).

Ms. Dion, who can be seen being frequently mistaken for a post-op transsexual, was unavailable for comment.