Henmania ‘A Total Waste of Everybody’s Time’

As Wimbledon gets underway, the phenomenon known as Henmania is due its annual re-appearance.

With countless fans flooding to Henman Hill, the excitement is almost palpable. But a recent statement by David Van Patten, an expert in time management, has labelled Henmania “about as pointless as having an argument with an idiot.” His vehement condemnation of Henmania went even further, as he continued, “People expend far too much energy on Henmania, when really they should just resign themselves to the fact that ‘Tiger Tim’ is a born loser and will never achieve anything of any note or value in his entire life. Henmania is a total waste of everybody’s time.” 

Henman fans have reacted angrily to this forthright dismissal of his chances in the competition. “This really could be his year. He’s nearing the end of his career, and the pressure will finally be off. This will be his chance to shine. Look what Goran Ivanisevic did. He came into the competition on a wild card and went on to win it. Why couldn’t Tim do the same?” said Sharon Delaware, a housewife from Tunbridge Wells.   

“Well, simply put,” said David Van Patten, “Goran was a decent player with a killer serve. Tim is a posh boy with an annoying face. Therein lies the essential difference. If you’re going to support someone, support Roger Federer. He’s actually quite good.” Mr Van Patten is hopeful that this year people will be as pessimistic about Tim’s chances as they should be. “There’s definitely a sense of exasperation amongst the fans, and it’s great to see. Making a flag with ‘Come On Tim’ on it actually takes a concerted effort, and at best you’ll only be able to use it up until the quarter finals. Hopefully people are starting to lose faith in him after repeated failure on his part. Life’s too short to waste time supporting crap tennis players.” 

Mr Van Patten puts a lot of the misplaced belief in Tim’s potential Wimbledon success down to his vigorous fist clenches and attempted ‘I’m a hardman’ face after he wins a point. “Most people react like this when they’ve just won a set or even a match. Tim tends to do this when he’s just saved a break point on his own serve whilst playing an unseeded player. It’s deceptive and makes you think that he’s doing well in the context of the match. Trust me, he’s not.”  

Tim will be putting in another lacklustre Wimbledon performance this year, and hopes that you will be placing your misplaced faith in him once more.