Jack Bauer Dying for a Lie-Down in 6th Season

Maverick agent Jack Bauer has pleaded for some small degree of respite come the 6^th season of hit show 24.  

“I’m absolutely dying for a lie-down,” said a bleary-eyed Jack, who has not slept once during any of the many crises he’s been faced with. “When we filmed the 1^st season, I used to say, ‘Today is the longest day of my life’ before each episode. How naïve I was. Since then I’ve had four more days that have been pretty wearing, and they’re getting more stressful every time.”  

Jack Bauer has also killed numerous people, and admits that he’s running out of cool ways to finish off the bad guys. “I mean, the way I dispatched Bierko in season 5 was pretty damned cool, breaking his neck with my legs and everything, but honestly, I’m running out of awesome finishing moves. At the moment I’m having to watch Mortal Kombat for inspiration.”  

Interestingly, Jack puts his recent spat of lacklustre run-of-the-mill killings down to being so tired. “Have you noticed that I haven’t slept once in all five seasons? I’m thinking that for the next season I might just work really quickly so that I save the world well before the 24^th hour. That way I can have a nice snooze and maybe just finish off a bit of tedious but necessary paperwork before the day’s finished. It’s about time I started respecting protocol.”  

Jack revealed that fatigue wasn’t his only enemy during his quest to save America and the world from its next spate of terrorist attacks. “I don’t eat either. Not one square meal. I don’t even get to eat a pasty or stop at a drive-thru once. It begins to play on your mind. And though it’s a bit graphic, I don’t even get a poo break. By the time I have to face the most important part of the whole day, I’ve usually got a stomach ache from the food I ate the previous day. Feeling bloated is a real problem when you have to fight some psycho terrorist dude.” 

The producers have refused to comment on Jack’s recent outburst, but say that the show would suffer if Jack were asleep for most of the 24 hours. “I don’t think people are interested in just watching someone sleep for hours on end. Having said that, that hasn’t stopped E4 doing it.”  

Jack will be returning to our screens soon for a seventh season of fatigue, starvation and most likely more buckets of tears.