Post-Modern Masterpiece Is ‘Just a Turd’

A piece of artwork being hailed as a post-modern masterpiece is, its creator argues, nothing more than a turd.  

Art critics and pretentious museum-goers everywhere have hailed the turd, entitled ‘The Urban Conundrum,’ a seminal example of what modern art should be.   

However, the creator of the piece is less than impressed. “Seriously, if this is a piece of art then people all over the world are producing pieces of post-modern art on a daily basis. Twice daily if you’re my brother and three times daily if you’re my flatmate,” said Mark Eldon, an artist from Manchester. He continued, “And trust me, what my flatmate conjures up three times daily is not post-modern. It’s gross.  

“The thing is, I just forgot to flush. That’s it. But then some art-type retrieved it, claimed that my decision not to flush the toilet was ‘delightfully ironic,’ and then proceeded to put it on display at the Tate Modern. Now I have to try and persuade people that it actually required no skill at all, and that if they consider it art, they’re idiots. They replied that an artist of my calibre would obviously have said that. It’s pissing me off now to be honest.” 

Mr Eldon has tried to amend the situation by actually creating a piece of art to go on display. Unfortunately the ruthless critics have been scathing in their attacks on Mr Eldon, calling his most recent attempt ‘contrived, hopelessly unimaginative and vapid.’  

One detractor in particular, Andrew Static, has been his staunchest critic, saying “After his first piece of work I was understandably excited about future projects. But after the spontaneity of ‘The Urban Conundrum,’ Mark just can’t seem to re-create that mindset. His most recent sculpture, entitled ‘Please Stop Praising the Turd,’ is a complete disappointment, although the plinth that it’s stood on is quite nice. I like the way that it almost seems to be struggling with its own existential nightmare.”  

One thing that Mark has learnt from this traumatic experience is that it’s important to flush.

“If you don’t flush the toilet after you’ve used it, you just can’t guarantee that some pretentious art-loving prick won’t retrieve your excrement and hail it as a post-modern masterpiece. These are the times we’re living in. I would implore everyone to be very careful when disposing of their excreta. I wouldn’t want anyone to have to go through what I have. And as for Andrew Static, Andrew Motion’s sworn enemy, if I ever meet him, I’ll kill him.”