New Air Travel Regulations Announced

The Home Office today announced a set of sweeping reforms to security measures on all transatlantic flights, part of the ongoing effort to quell the rising risks of terrorist attack.

Dr Reid announced some of the more drastic changes this morning, including a regulation stating that passengers will now strip naked and have electrodes attached to their nipples or testicles before being securely strapped to a metal gurney and loaded onto their respective planes.

Dr Reid commented on the measure, seen by some as a bit much. "The fact is, the terrorists are way ahead of us technologically. If they can eradicate our way of life with a bottle of milk and Stanley knife, who knows what they're capable of? We have to assume that every passenger has injected him or herself with some sort of secret explosive serum and that every flight is an unimaginably disastrous catastrophe waiting to happen."

Passengers will also be fitted with face masks, to combat the possibility of deadly acid saliva being used to incapacitate the pilots, the cabin crew or the heavily-armed Royal Marines who will accompany each flight.

"The masks leave the eyes and forehead uncovered," explained Dr Reid. "That's so the soldiers can tell if a passenger is planning on detonating himself. If this happens, current is applied accordingly to all passengers. Because if there's one, you have to assume there's hundreds."

These security advances are appreciated, but some travellers remain unconvinced. Said Janet Quigley-Smith, waiting for her flight to Miami, "I don't think it’s enough. I think we should all be put into chemically induced comas and packed into individual bomb-proof lockers for the whole flight. Or better yet, our whole lives."

A local time-traveller commented on the events: "The thing to do, see, is to put stones around their necks and throw them in the lake. If they float, you burn them!"

Rumsfeld declared: "Any kind of moral and intellectual confusion about who and what is right or wrong can severely weaken the ability of free societies to persevere."