Kate Winslet To Appear Fully Clothed In Latest Film

Kate Winslet has shocked fans by revealing that she will appear fully clothed in her latest film.

The Titanic star said that she was willing to try something different, and did not want people to think of her as ‘that English bird who gets naked at every available opportunity.’

She was also adamant that there was far more to her than magnificent breasts. “When the director first suggested that I didn’t take my top off, I didn’t know what to think. I mean, that’s pretty much all I do, and if anyone else had suggested it, I would’ve been insulted. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see these puppies, regardless of storyline? Eventually I decided that I was so dedicated to the project I would be willing to sacrifice the opportunity to let people ogle me for the sake of art. It was a tough decision, but I’m glad I made it.”

Multi-Oscar winning film Titanic was successful almost purely on the basis of Winslet’s antics. “Best film? Best director? Let’s face it, the film was pretty pants. The only bit worth watching was the part when Leo sunk slowly to his death, and that only got a few laughs anyway. After a highly implausible scene where I took off all my clothes so that some impoverished commoner could do a nude sketch of me, the film should probably just have ended. I wanted to jump into the sea naked when the ship was sinking, but James Cameron suggested that given the fact that the water was freezing cold, that might be stretching things a bit too far.

“It turns out that the sinking of the Titanic wasn’t just a massive nude love-fest in the Arctic Ocean,” said a surprised Kate Winslet. “Luckily I compensated for this tragic oversight by jumping into a lake naked in Iris. Thank God I didn’t miss out on that.” 

Obsessive Kate Winslet fans are excited by this recent news, and can’t wait to see her prancing around in clothes.

“Just imagine it, Kate Winslet in a really baggy jumper, long trousers and sensible shoes. It’s enough to make a grown man weep,” said Manfred Woman, an avid follower of Winslet’s work. “Apparently there’s going to be a scene where she has the opportunity to take her clothes off but turns it down because she considers it unnecessary. Every red-blooded male has been dying to see her keep her kit on.”

Winslet’s new film, entitled No Reason To Watch, is out in cinemas next year.