India Elects First Female President, Asks Her to Stay in Kitchen

India has elected its first female president in the country’s history, and asks her to fulfil her term ‘from the comfort of her kitchen’.

Pratibha Patil, who has just turned 72 years old, has recently made headlines after receiving almost two-thirds of votes in the Indian Parliament. Since the announcement, presidential advisers have been quick to recommend that Mrs Patil ‘gets back in the house and makes us some cakes’. 

Spokesperson Raj Bains confirmed the development: “Today is a great day for our nation. Not only does the country get its first female leader, it also means free treats for us boys in parliament. Sweet deal, if you ask me – she keeps us happy with samosas and the like, and we’ll promise not to overthrow her or replace her with someone fitter and with less cobwebs around her.” 

When asked about the potential backlash from feminist movements, Mr Bains was relatively unperturbed. “What reason do they have to complain? She’s setting an example for the millions of women in our country by doing what’s right: staying at home and looking after her men with rich delicacies and cleaning up the international mess we leave behind. The fact that she’s an OAP and has the title of President further proves how much we don’t discriminate. Gandhi would be proud, I tell you.”

 Surprisingly, Mrs Patil seemed thrilled with the developments: “Ooh, the girls at my bridge club are going to love this. President! Who’d have thought it, eh? All I have to do is sit on my arse for a couple of parliamentary sessions, listen to the nice men that tell me what to do, and then I can go back to my knitting and watching Deal or No Deal. I don’t know why everyone says India is a hard country to run… At least I think that’s what they’re saying. Can’t really tell these days, me ears have gone.”

 Mrs Patil seemed confident with her plans for the developing nation. “Over-the-counter Viagra for starters. I’m President now for God’s sake, it’s about time I got some nookie before I pop me clogs.”