Big Brother Contestant Thrown Out for Discussing Complex Philosophical Ideas

A contestant has been ejected from Channel 4 show Big Brother after trying to initiate a conversation with some form of intellectual heft. 

Verity Gill, a 21 year-old Philosophy student from Nottingham, was forced to leave the house in the early hours of yesterday morning following an attempt to discuss her degree with fellow housemates over some dessert wine. Within moments, however, she was summoned into the Diary Room and asked to leave the house immediately. 

“I couldn’t believe my ears,” said Ms Gill. “OK, so I got a bit tipsy after dinner and I thought I might try making the conversation slightly more stimulating for viewers out there, is that such a bad thing? Next thing I know I’ve been chucked out on my arse.” 

A spokesperson for Channel 4 defended the decision: “After the whole Currygate scandal with Shilpa Poppad… I mean, Shilpa Shetty, we have a responsibility to our millions of viewers. The mindless masses tune in to watch people they don’t know or care about having wildly uninteresting conversations about nothing in particular. It’s a Big Brother tradition, and we at Channel 4 will not tolerate some upstart trying to taint the sanctity of the programme by using words with more than three syllables.” 

However, it seems that the other housemates had expected action to be taken following the conversation. Housemate Maxine Garrett, who lists her proudest achievement as ‘finally getting syphilis’, discussed the eviction in the Diary Room hours later. 

“Well,” said Garrett, 18, “I knew she’d be in trouble when she came up to me and starting talking to me about some guys, Jean-Paul and Friedrich or something… I said, we’re not allowed to discuss nominations Verity, and you must be really drunk because I don’t think there’s anyone called Jean-Paul or Friedrich in the house. Why we’d discuss anything else is beyond me. Ooh, unless they’re surprise housemates? I think I’ve cracked it, up yours Big Brother!” 

Channel 4 has since confirmed that neither Friedrich Nietzsche nor Jean-Paul Sartre will be making surprise appearances in the house, though next week’s task may involve an attempt to reanimate the corpse of Bernard Manning.   

“Part of it’s because we have to be needlessly controversial again to get more viewers,” said the spokesperson, “but mainly it’s to help frighten off all the coloured folk”.