Rihanna Attacked with Umbrella in Delicious Irony

R&B star Rihanna has been viciously attacked with an umbrella, following an extraordinary run at the top of the UK Chart with a single of the same name.

The incident took place outside a bus stop in Brixton on a blustery afternoon earlier this week, and was perpetrated by an overweight Caucasian male according to eye-witnesses. 

20 year-old Afro-Hispanic mongrel Shaquana Latonya de Fuentes saw the entire event unfold: “So I was stood there textin’ ma fella De’Shane , he’s bein’ a right prick these days ‘cos of some shit to do wif global warming or some bollocks like that but I reckon it’s ‘cos he’s steppin’ out wif some bare rough bitch, anyway this big fat white dude come outta nowhere – fuck knows what he’s doin’ in Brixton, someone probably owe him money or shit – and I seen him start chattin’ to some next sister across the road. 

“Next fing I know it’s Rihanna and that knob’s singin’ her song back to her, he’s goin’ ‘You can stand under my umbrella, you can stand under my um-ber-ella, ella, ella, ay, ay, ay’… And then he calls her an annoying slag and starts runnin’ for her wif his brolly. 

“I shat ma kegs. I was gonna call the 5-0 and shit, but I were busy textin’ so I couldn’t be arsed savin’ it to the drafts folder, plus I weren’t sure if I gave that kilo of smack to ma mum this mornin’ or not.  

“Anyway, five second later he’s whippin’ the shit outta her with his umbrella. Every time he hit her he went ‘ella, ella’ and that poor bitch, all she kept doin’ was goin’ ‘ay – ay - ay’. So I thought, fuck me, this is like a live performance… Got it all recorded on ma camera phone, blud, puttin’ on YouTube tonight!” 

Police have now forbidden people from carrying umbrellas in public places unless it is actually raining. The move has been an unequivocal failure, given that the British summer is in full effect and an umbrella is required on a daily basis. 

‘Umbrella’ (Mercury Records) by Rihanna available in all record stores, online, and every 5 minutes most commercial radio stations in the country. For details on the nearest funeral pyre to incinerate your copy, contact your local council.