Interest Rates Raised, General Public ‘Not Bothered’

The Bank of England today slashed interest rates to 2%, but the average man simply didn’t care.  

“Give a shit,” said one man in Heckmondwike, West Yorkshire, whilst pointing to his face, which indicated that he didn’t. He continued, “I’ve got no interest in interest rates. Write that down, it’s hilarious. You better be writing that down, else I'll come looking for you,” he added, brandishing what appeared to be a machete.  

This reaction was mirrored nationwide, with thousands of people affected by hitherto-unseen levels of apathy. “I’ve got a busy jet-set lifestyle, I don’t have time for the minutiae of the financial world,” squawked a 13-year old single mother of three on the High Street in Tunbridge Wells. Her pimp agreed: “I’m trying to run a high-class whore house, I don’t want my customers getting slightly distracted by thoughts of ISAs.” 

As the government tried to warn people of the dangers of financial complacency, they were drowned out by the public metaphorically - and in seven cases literally - telling them to “Sod off!”  Experts believe that this points to a growing trend of carelessness in important yet incredibly dull duties.  

“We‘ve become animals,” said Professor Steve Trapezium, a sociologist at the University of North Barnsley. “Our only concern is eating, sleeping and shagging. People aren’t doing their washing any more, no one’s read a book - Harry Potter doesn’t count - since 2003, and I can’t think of any of my friends who’ve wiped their arse since the last general election.”   

Asked if he was personally concerned by the cut in interest rates, Mr. Trapezium replied “I would be if I used a bank, but all my money’s safely stored in my sphincter, so it simply doesn’t affect me. To all you Neanderthals who use banks, or twat boxes as I call them, spend spend spend! I know I will the next time I have a dump. Pass me the bran will you?”