Man ‘Lived Off Bread Alone,’ Claims Coroner’s Report

The competing spheres of medical science and the Church were rocked today following the death of an 89 year-old man who, according to a post-mortem, attained his enviable age on a diet solely consisting of bread.

After having been brought to the attention of doctors and clergymen several years ago, today’s coroner’s report finally confirms the late John Balfour’s long-standing claim of having survived on nothing but baps and loaves for the entirety of his life. Medical examiner Professor Graham Claverhouse described his discovery as “a triumph of the human digestive tract”.

However, the Archbishop of the Aberdeenshire diocese, Dario Conti, today dismissed Professor Claverhouse’s claims as ‘a half-baked attempt to undermine the Church and its teachings.’ In a statement from the Vatican, nutritionist to the Pope, Ferras Fibra said: “We at the Holy City firmly refute this claim. In our own research into the feat, all subjects experienced anxiety of mind, weariness of body and clamminess of hand. The absence of such symptoms in Mr Balfour’s case points to further nourishment, carnal or otherwise, from outside of the bread family.”

Rejecting remarks from the Pontiff’s spokesperson, Professor Claverhouse argued that the results of toxicology tests, liver samples, and the extraordinary presence of a pancreas ‘shaped exactly like a torpedo roll’ confirms that Mr Balfour’s long life was sustained exclusively by flour-based foodstuffs.

Once details of his bread-habit leaked out of Balfour’s sheltered accommodation, the former textile-worker spent his final years as somewhat of a local celebrity in his home town of Braemar, Aberdeenshire. Still active up to the time of his death, the sprightly pensioner had been granted the honour of officially opening a new branch of Greggs the bakers, only two weeks before passing away.

Area manager Jenny Dennison was saddened by the news. Brushing away both tears and filo crumbs, she said: “It’s such a shame. I’d often see him on my way home for work. He’d be sat in the park, eating his sandwiches so I’d always stop for a chat. He had already cut the ribbon for the other Greggs on the high street, so we asked him to do the new one – only this time, we didn’t let him taste the first loaf that came off the line.

“After 80-odd years he had become somewhat of a connoisseur and, as I recall, was quite dismissive of our crusty tin loaf. Lovely man, though. Kept joking around, telling us all we could be his bit of crumpet if we liked. Such a shame. He was booked to do the third branch next month, as well.”

In an alarming turn of events, doubts were cast upon Mr Balfour’s declared commitment to sustenance from bread alone by one member of the congregation at St Margaret’s Church, Braemar. Miss Deans, 65, claimed to have seen the pensioner attending Mass and partaking of communion on several occasions throughout his final years.

She said: “I’d seen him in the paper, so I knew all about him and his buns. I figured he had obviously discovered that he could no longer be satisfied by bread. Who was I to say anything? But I took some photos. That’s him, on the pew next to the African chap.”

However, a friend of the deceased, Henry Morton, has come forward to defend the bread-lover’s reputation. “She’s got the wrong end of the stick completely,” said Morton. “Certainly he was at times unsatisfied with his diet. But he wasn’t a religious man. What he was after were those little wafers you get on a Sunday. He used to tell me that they were somewhere between a johnny cake and a kaiser roll. ‘Henry, I’m fed up with these sesame seed baps,’ he’d say. ‘I’m off for something that melts in the mouth,’ and off he went. He didn’t mind sitting through the service since he could do the mumbling bits while snacking on a soda farl.”

Despite the furore surrounding Mr Balfour’s claims, Father David Deans, pastor at St Margaret’s, appeared unconcerned by the apparent abuse of the Church’s hospitality. When approached about the incident he said: “I’m not entirely sure that’s what was meant with regards to bread.”