Tour de France Organisers Furious at Drug-Free Cyclist

Tour de France organisers have launched a scathing attack on competitor Jules Coupet for not taking any performance-enhancing drugs throughout the whole event.

Rather than participate in the drug culture of cycling, Coupet has instead been resorting to a regime of intense physical exercise, a balanced, high-carb diet, and drinking plenty of fluids. This controversial, new-age training method has come under strong criticism from organisers of the Tour de France, who say that it is simply not in keeping with the spirit of the sport.

Augustin Grosjean, one of the officials who has monitored Coupet closely, is shocked by the findings. He said, “I regret to announce that Jules Coupet recently failed a drugs test. No illegal substances were found in his bloodstream whatsoever, and so we can only hypothesise that he is relying on discipline, natural talent and determination alone. It is a sad day for the world of cycling, but something which we cannot hide from. We must all face it head-on.”

Grosjean also said that he was ‘more upset than angry,’ and that Coupet’s actions have tarnished cycling’s reputation forever. “When people go to watch the Tour de France, they expect the cyclists to be practically oozing drugs from their pores. Then about halfway through the whole competition, we can make half the teams retire, and the whole event can descend into a complete farce and lose all its credibility.”

“This is what we try to provide our fans with, year in, year out. What would people do if they realised that the cyclists were winning races purely on the basis of discipline alone? They’d probably die from shock. It simply isn’t right. When Jules decided that he would try and win the event by legal and traditional means, he effectively pissed in cycling’s collective eye. He just hasn’t entered into the spirit of things at all.”

Grosjean has put Coupet’s actions down to ‘an increasing sense of good sportsmanship and morality in the sport which we must strive to abolish.’ He has also complained about how hard it is for some cyclists to obtain the drugs. “The dealers obviously aren’t doing their jobs right,” he said, “We must take a long, hard look at this and make sure that people can get hold of them easily next time. The last thing we want is for the competitors to think they can simply ‘train’ and expect to win anything.”