Prince Philip Fears There Aren't Enough People Left to Offend

Prince Philip expressed concerns this morning that he may have got slightly carried away with his scathing attacks on people of every creed, colour and religion.

“Obviously I’m pleased with the amount of people that I’ve managed to offend so far, but there’s every danger that it might all come to a grinding halt. I’m running out of ideas for countries to travel to so that I can insult their customs and beliefs, and it’s a real concern.”

Philip has been an enthusiastic bigot throughout his time in Buckingham Palace, but fears that he took on too much too early. “When me and Lizzie started out it was great. We went to Africa, Asia, Australasia, all over the world, and I really got to work on my insults. My basic technique is to take the most blanket generalisations and stereotypes associated with a culture and then apply them in a conversation, usually with one of the country’s most revered leaders or figures. It seems to work well.”

Philip puts his principal failing down to his insistence on travelling so extensively. “Looking back on it I should really have left a continent or something until I reached old age. That way I could really have gone to town on them. Asia would’ve been an excellent one to set aside. The jokes about slitty eyes, people being yellow, curries, cheap and unreliable labour, stupid religions with farcical gods… the list is practically endless. But sadly I’ve done all the jokes, and now I have none left up my sleeve. If I’m not careful, people are going to think I’m losing my touch. Or even worse, that I value foreigners and their ludicrous ideas.”

The biggest problem that Prince Philip now faces is trying to find a country that is easy to stereotype and make jokes about. “The thing is I’ve left countries which aren’t widely recognised to be dominated by a particular trait. This means that I’m going to have to be more imaginative in my insults. I mean, what jokes can I make about the Czech Republic? What, Eastern European women are beautiful? There’s just nothing obvious to say. Remember when I said that Scots were all drunkards, or asked that African woman if she was actually a woman? Haha, that was classic."

“Sadly I’ve also insulted deaf people, disabled people, and other unfortunate segments of society, so I haven’t even got that to fall back on. I’m still trying, but it’s getting harder by the day. I just hope that all my fans stay loyal. Don’t worry, I’ll be back in those tabloids insulting other races with consummate ease in no time.”