BNP Simplifies Manifesto: ‘No Brown People’

The British National Party has decided to scrap its manifesto in favour of a one-liner that adequately encompasses all its policies: “No Brown People”. 

One party member, who wishes to be identified only as “a stern patriot and habitual bigot”, confirmed the development. “Well firstly, the initials are a nifty anagram of BNP - we thought that was pretty clever!” he said. “But seriously, this was coming for a long time. We were a bit tired of hiding behind some flimsy ‘policies’ when in actual fact we just want to get rid of anyone who isn’t Caucasian. That’s all there is to it really. We think Hitler had the right idea with that whole Aryan thing. If you ain’t white, you’re shite.” 

When asked whether there would be any other changes made to the manifesto, the party seem to be rather resolute. “Why would we need anything else?” said our source. “Health, Education, Crime, that kind of thing will sort itself out when there’s less people to worry about. No, we’re definitely planning to re-launch our campaign based on those three words only. It pretty much sums up what we’re all about. All those problems with the NHS and infrastructure and crap like that, they’ll all go away when there are no brown people, I’m telling you. It’s common sense.” 

According to insiders, this step is only the first in a long line of anti-anything-that-isn’t-white measures. “That’s correct,” continued the party member, “this is just the start. After that, blackboards are only going to be whiteboards, a Black Maria will now be called a Mariah Carey, and we’re pretty much going to burn every copy of Charlie Brown and Black Beauty ever published.  

“It won’t stop there – we’re pretty much going for everything now that we have the chance. The Red Cross and Yellow Pages are going out, and our current Prime Minister will have to change his surname to something less offensive, like Gordon Hail-Mary. Oh, and we’re probably going to attack every blade of grass with bleach, we just got a huge consignment in from Turkmenistan. What was that? Why are we dealing with the enemy? Er… Fuck off, that’s why.” 

There are also rumours that the BNP will ban any country other than the United Kingdom from taking part in the London 2012 Olympics. “Too right. That way we’re bound to win something that isn’t something shit like curling,” said the party member.

Illustration by Jarri Amini