Anti-Paedophile Mob Lynches Nine Year-Old Accused of Kissing Eight Year-Old

A group of angry locals have lynched a nine year-old boy for kissing an eight year-old girl in a village in the Scottish Borders. 

Andy Miller, who celebrated his ninth birthday last week with a fancy dress party, was found roaming around the village square in a shell-shocked state yesterday afternoon. The anti-paedophile neighbourhood watch group, Won’t Somebody Think of the Children, has claimed full responsibility. 

“That’s right, we did it,” said Ally Thompson, leader of the group, “and we’ll do it again if we have to. Morag’s little girl came home the other day and told her mother that one of the boys at school kissed her on the playground, and right then we knew we had to hunt the bastard down before he struck again. 

“It makes you sick, it really does,” he continued. “I’m scared of sending my kids to school any more. These perverts could be anywhere, and it’s our job to weed them out and stop them.” 

The girl in question, who cannot be named for legal reasons, said that the kiss was “icky”, and made her ‘lose a game of scarecrow tig’. Following these grave words she declined to comment further, instead choosing to frolic on a nearby heath. 

The boy’s parents have been equally shocked by the development. “I didn’t think my Andy could be capable of something like this,” stated Andy’s mother, Susan Miller. “We gave him a perfect upbringing, he’s a popular boy at school, goes to church and everything… I just don’t know where we went wrong,” she said, before breaking down into uncontrollable tears. 

The Millers have now decided to send Andy away to an all-boys’ boarding school, while the young girl is being rigorously examined for an STI and some sort of latent pregnancy. 

It is widely believed that Andy Miller will most likely be seen a few years down the line openly embracing homosexuality and spending obscene amounts of money on both pornography and psychotherapy.