NBA Strikes Deal with Rappers to Exclude Even More White People

America’s National Basketball Association (NBA) has decided to tie-up with some of rap music’s biggest names in order to deter even more Caucasian players taking up the sport professionally. 

Basketball in the United States has seen very few prominent white men playing the game – the most notable being Larry Bird – and now NBA chiefs have decided to keep it that way.  

“To be honest, it all started in 1992,” said NBA spokesperson Anthony Hanson, “ever since we saw White Men Can’t Jump, we immediately knew that that’s the ethos we should have here. It’s taken us over a decade to get people to warm to the idea, and the fact that all the white players in the interim have been shit has helped our cause immensely.” 

The plans involve artistes such as 50 Cent and Kanye West performing before every major game, with a strong inclination towards profanity and altogether inflammatory lyrics. 

“Hopefully it’ll scare off the middle-class white crowd,” continued Hanson, “we all know they get a bit squeamish when anyone from a different background wears more than one item of jewellery, or flagrantly displays their underwear above their jeans, so we’re hoping it’ll keep them away from the courts. It’s impossible to believe they can relate to a game played by coloured folk anyway... That’s why you never see any Asians playing in the Premiership.” 

When asked about the potential attraction for well-off white teenagers who listen to gangster rap as a futile and short-lived means of rebellion, Hanson claimed to have a contingency plan ready.  

“Simple,” he said, “we all know they actually prefer something like Korn or Linkin Park, so we’ll just distract them with free concert. That’ll be better news for them than Tupac somehow releasing yet another record from beyond the grave.”