Footballers Set to Star in Charity Gangbang

A beleaguered British adult entertainment star, Cherry Poppins, has asked footballers to donate a day’s wages to the porn star charity, The Pornographers Universal Minge Proliferation Group (PUMP Group), in return for taking part in a gangbang.  

The 2-day gangbang event plans to raise awareness for common problems associated with the adult entertainment industry, such as anal prolapse and auto-erotic asphyxiation.  

“This footballers gangbang will be different to other footballers’ gangbangs in that it won’t be rape,” explained Ms Poppins. “All I’m asking for is for a few million quid and in return I’m offering up my body. Can’t say fairer than that, eh?” 

Some other big porn-star names such as Phil MacUmbucket, Shotgun Willy and Keith Vaz MP have lent their weight behind the scheme, and are urging others to do so. “I love a gangbang as much as the next man,” said one at the charity’s official launch yesterday, “but this is for the footballers. It’s them who are giving up their hard earned pounds to PUMP and they deserve a scandal-free romp for their troubles.” 

Ms Poppins plans to visit every Premiership club and convince them using her highly effective persuasion technique, although the star admitted, “I know nothing about football! I hope I don’t make an arse of myself, ha ha! I’m particularly looking forward to meeting the Special One!”  

Alistair Campbell has been enlisted to manage the campaign and will use his extensive football knowledge to get as many footballers on board as possible. He started off on a cautious note, however: “There’s no way you’re going to get all of them. It’s just not going to happen. They could buy a hooker for half the price who won’t be covered with anything like the same amount of other footballer’s seed.”  

He agreed the charitable element may force some players to bend their rules: “Some of these guys are sticklers for a charity case, and this is the biggest charity case I’ve ever heard of. I mean, have you seen her face? Fucking hell, I’ve run over better looking things!”  

The entire Newcastle United squad have already offered up their services for the good cause, but Kieron Dyer is set to miss out due to other gangbang commitments.