British Rail Employee Exposed in Ibiza Scandal

As part of a movement to reform British railways, background checks have been performed on a number of British Rail employees.

The results, published yesterday, have revealed corruption and debauchery on an unrivalled scale. “It’s absolutely shocking,” said Bruce Campbell, a member of the committee who commissioned the survey. “Frankly I’m dismayed at some of the findings. I had no idea just how deep the deception went. I guess it’s an inevitable result of New Labour sleaze.”

As soon as the investigation had begun, it became apparent that the problem was a sizeable one. It all began when some incriminating photos were found of Brian Holloway, who serves refreshments on GNER trains. “Apparently they were taken in Ibiza. There was Brian, pint in hand, groping some slut’s soaped-up tits, nonchalant as you like. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing” said Bruce, “I mean, who in the world would buy a cheese and carrot chutney sandwich for heavily marked-up prices if they knew that the person serving them was a party animal? No one, that’s who.”

Brian was consequently fired, deemed too untrustworthy to serve tea and biscuits to passengers on Britain’s railways. “We need to trust the people who wield this kind of power. Sure he says he’s putting milk in your coffee, but who knows what it really is? He’s probably been shagging the milk cartons. The sick freak.”

But this was only the beginning. Sandra Bollock, a platform announcer at London Victoria, was also exposed. “When we delved a little into her past, it turns out that Sandra cheated on her boyfriend when she was 20. Not only that, but it was with another woman. Yep, Sandra’s a first-class kebab muncher,” said Bruce, now clearly quite irate. “I mean, you wait on the platform for any updates relating to your service, and you have to believe what you’re being told. But this woman, a lesbian I might add, lied to her own boyfriend. If she’ll lie to him, why would she think twice about lying to you?”

After the shocking revelations of this survey, similar background checks are being performed on Bus drivers, hotdog vendors and Holiday Reps. “I didn’t realise just how bad things had become under Tony Blair” said Bruce, “But if we want to combat this sort of corruption, then we really need to overhaul the whole system, start building from the ground up. But I can reassure the British public that Brian won’t be serving ready salted crisps or cups of bland instant coffee to anyone for a long, long time.”