Children’s Song Banned in “Perverted” Claim

The hit 1950s song ‘I’ve got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts’ has been banned following an outcry by concerned parents nationwide.

The song, originally performed by Danny Kaye, has been heard more recently in popular Disney animated films such as The Jungle Book and The Lion King. However a number of outraged parents with little else to do with their time have now formed a faction, Parents Insisting on Safe Songs (PISS), to combat what they call ‘the new menace of our generation’.

“Have you heard the lyrics to this supposed children’s song?” asked Mitchell Haworth-Crolla, a disgustingly affluent father and instigator of PISS. “It’s perverted. If my girls are going to be singing this filth, they might as well start putting the slap on and advertising themselves for paedophiles already, and Disney should throw in sexual health pamphlets and condoms with their DVDs. Hell, I might even start making some money from my kids after it all.”

Reacting to the backlash from certain naysayers, Mr Haworth-Crolla added: “No, we’re totally justified. I mean, coconuts… ‘big ones, small ones, some as big as your head’? Disgusting. And it gets worse too – ‘give them a twist, a flick of the wrist’ – it’s even appealing to the fetishists and hardcore masturbators now, how can people not see it? Sordid business, this, sordid business I tell you.”

In an effort to seem slightly more human and accessible, Disney has removed the song from its films, replacing them with the infinitely less provocative ‘My Neck, My Back’ by R&B artist Khia.

“This is a victory for over-protective middle-class parents everywhere,” said Mr Haworth-Crolla. “Until now, our nation has been breeding prostitutes and lowlife pimps thanks to this subliminal sleaze. Please, my Genevieve is going to be an ‘It’ girl or a gold-digger. Not a slut.”

Though Disney agreed to edit out the offensive song, rumours of them producing a range of Jasmine from Aladdin and Ariel the Little Mermaid-inspired contraception to go with DVDs are, at present, completely unfounded.