“Lactose-Intolerance as Bad as Religious Intolerance” Say Experts

An independent commission has deemed lactose-intolerance as unacceptable and ‘on par with religious intolerance and racism’.

The condition, essentially an allergy to dairy-based products, has been severely criticised for its obstruction in world peace and harmony between all creatures.

“It’s just not right,” said chief researcher Dr Gary Dolan. “In today’s volatile political climate, we should be tolerant of everything in our everyday lives. As Britons, we should be used to that; over the years we’ve tolerated BSE, Foot and Mouth Disease, and even the Welsh. This shouldn’t be a problem for us.”

Dr Dolan continues: “As far as we’re concerned, it’s tantamount to saying you don’t want to touch a Muslim, or that you won’t take a Scottish ten-pound note. Even Hindus revere cows as sacred animals, despite them having freakishly large nipple-like things and looking more terrifying than my Uncle Horace in drag. Anyone who’s been cow-tipping will know what I’m on about. You nearly soil yourself when they start staring at you, you just can’t tell what they’re thinking.”

The commission now hopes to stage numerous events to raise awareness, including Live Udder, a ruse to extract money from people disguised as a series of global concerts from has-been artistes. Dr Dolan, who will be joined by Sir Bob Geldof and Al Gore in his endeavour, ends the presentation of his report with a message of peace.

“Anyone out there who is lactose-intolerant, please, I implore you to break down your prejudices. Embrace your bovine cousins and their produce. Drink their milk and in return give them yours, for this is the way our cultures can co-exist. Yes, you might die, but at least you won’t die a dirty racist. And the cows will probably spare you come the apocalypse,” Dr Dolan added.

Illustration by Jarri Amini