Wimbledon absence ‘meant as a joke’, says Andy Murray

British number one, Andy Murray, today served up an unexpected interruption to the relative calm of post-Wimbledon tennis as it emerged that his failure to compete in this year’s championships was the result of a poorly executed prank.

In news which comes as a shock to the British tennis establishment – though less, it seems, than the surprise meted out to the young Scot – it has come to light that Murray’s pre-tournament announcement of a serious injury was, in fact, a planned prelude to a seemingly dramatic return to form. It appears, however, that, in an unsurpassed feat of absent-mindedness by the youngster, the start of Wimbledon and the intended re-announcement to compete was completely overlooked.

Speaking candidly to thenewsentry.com, Murray attempted to explain the situation: “Me and Brad [Gilbert] came up with the idea. I’d said something about Jamie getting all the attention because he was playing doubles with that hot Serb. So we figured that if I pulled out and then, well, pulled back in again, it’d be quite exciting.”

Pressed as to unmistakable failures in the scheme, Murray sullenly admitted: “I completely forgot. I was sat having a laugh at a replay of Tim getting knocked out by Feliciano Lopez, thinking how annoyed I’d be to go out in the second round of Wimbledon this year, when suddenly I realised I’d spent the past two weeks watching it.”

In a futile attempt to rectify his mistake, the hysterical youth immediately set off for the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet club. Eyewitnesses in Murray’s hometown of Dunblane reported seeing a distressed Andy bundling tennis gear, sandwiches and a dessert fork into the boot of his metallic blue Mini, while shouting abuse at his mother, Judy.

A resident, Arthur Wardour, who witnessed the scene said: “Well, I was just on my way to pick up some fishing bait from that shop on the high street, ‘Gun Fishin’’. I recognised him from the television, you see. He was obviously in quite a state, running frantically between the house and his car, fumbling through a London A-Z. He kept shouting things to his mother like ‘you knew I was only bloody messing’, ‘why didn’t you pissing well remind me’ and ‘I thought Jamie was fucking at Nana and Granddad’s’. Of course I had no idea what he was talking about. The strangest part of it all was that the funny brown mark he has on his leg had gone all red and blotchy. It was a little unsavoury, to tell the truth, so I went off for my maggots.”

Seeking to deflect blame for his massive oversight, Murray heaped criticism upon the BBC’s coverage of the tournament. He said: “I was watching the tennis and they kept going on about something called SW20. How was I supposed to know they meant Wimbledon? And Jamie never mentioned anything about it either before he went: he’s going to have a bloody row when I see him. Though nobody has seen him since he disappeared into the winners’ changing room with Jelena Janković.”

Still apparently ensconced in SW20, the BBC commentary team were sought for a response on the fiasco. Approached during a fierce debate with Pat Cash on the issue of hawk eye, Sue Barker deferred to John Lloyd, though not before excitedly enquiring, “Who polices the police?”

Indeed, Mr Lloyd was more forthcoming. Eerily paternalistic, Lloyd remarked: “I could tell from the start what Andy was up to. I chose, however, not to remind him of the start of Wimbledon. I was brought up on tough tennis love, and today’s youngsters have to learn the hard way.”

Eager to give of his opinion on the emerging story, former champion Jimmy Connors embarked upon an anecdote about Andy Roddick, at which point the interview was terminated.