Primark to Open Stores in Third World Countries

UK-based retail giant Primark is looking to expand its business by launching new branches in Third World countries, starting off with Sierra Leone and Rwanda. 

The move follows the firm’s lucrative expansion within the British Isles, with some store openings causing mass hysteria and stampeding among women looking to get the best bargains from what is essentially a high street jumble sale. 

“It’s all based on clever market research,” said company spokesperson Anne Everett. “We figured we wanted to take our firm to an international level, but it was a matter of deciding which country to start off with. And then it hit us: Africa is where the money’s at. Think about it, our inner city slum stores are the most popular ones, you’ve got celebrity endorsements over there with Geldof, Bono and the like, and our only competition would be Oxfam. Brilliant.” 

The firm has now narrowed down Sierra Leone and Rwanda as the first choices for new stores. “Sierra Leone ‘cos of all the diamonds and shit,” said Ms Everett, “and Rwanda because that film with Don Cheadle made it more of a saleable property.  But to be honest it’s mainly because we want to give those poor African kids some affordable, albeit completely unfashionable, clothing. We have hoodies for about a pound, if they’re still complaining that they can’t afford that then they deserve to be naked.” 

Middle-aged and overrated superstar Madonna, who recently adopted a Malawian child, backed the move. “That’s fucking legend, that is,” said the diva in a faux-British accent she claims to have picked up, “Tell you, when I adopted my boy what’s-his-face… I can’t remember his name to be honest, I think it’s Dizzee Rascal or something but I can’t be sure, they all look to same to me… Anyway, when I adopted him it was pretty much the best of a bad bunch, I just closed my eyes and picked one. If he was all togged out in some budget Primark gear I would have totally chosen him sooner.  

“Still, it’s all good, we just wear pink spandex in the house and rub our crotches on the floor like I did in my video for ‘Hung Up’. You wouldn’t have gotten that in Malawi, but now you just might thanks to Primark. Everybody wins.” 

Following this latest development, multinational coffee giant Starbucks is thinking of following Primark’s footsteps. “It’s all tentative at the moment,” said a spokesperson, “but we think the reason Africa’s a bit shit these days is because no one’s having any Raspberry Mocha Frappucinos with Chocolate Drizzle. That ought to cheer them up, the glum bastards.”

Illustration by Jarri Amini