Man Claims He is 'Not Overreacting' to His Cold

Neil Tarman, a builder from Brighton, is adamant that his cold is far more serious than his girlfriend is giving it credit for.  

“She’s told me that I’m over-reacting, but that’s so unfair. I’m serious, I think I might be dying. I have a headache, I’m all bunged up, and my throat hurts. Does the plague still exist? I think it might be the plague. In fact I bet it’s the plague, though I think mine’s a more virulent strain than the medieval one. That’s what it feels like anyway.”  

Mr Tarman has been in bed for nine days now, and is showing no signs of stopping his incessant moaning. His girlfriend, Jenny Magee, has had enough. “Every morning I wake up to these pathetic groans, and then he goes ‘Jennyyyyyyyyy? Can you get me a doughnut and an orange juice? I feel so bad,’ but he looks perfectly normal. His temperature is normal, he just sneezes occasionally and coughs every once in a while.  

“He’s such a drama queen, he should’ve been at work a week ago, but he’s milking it for all it’s worth. First he thought it was a brain tumour, then he thought he was dying of kidney failure, and then he claimed that he thought he’d contracted HIV after watching an episode of Sex and the City. It’s totally pathetic.” 

“I think Jenny needs to walk a mile in my shoes before she starts criticising me,” said Mr Tarman in reply. “Of course I couldn’t even walk a few hundred metres the way I’m feeling right now. I don’t think I’d make it. I doubt anyone has probably ever been in this much pain in the history of the world. You can’t even begin to imagine what I’m going through.”  

Ms Magee has also been annoyed by Mr Tarman’s recent tendency to say ‘lucky bastards’ every time a seriously ill person appears on TV. “Every time one of those adverts comes up for Oxfam or something, Neil keeps going on about how they wouldn’t know what it’s like to be as ill as him. When he takes some Ibuprofen he claims that it has temporarily ‘allayed the pain.’ What an absolute ponce. He was telling me to shut up when I was giving birth because I was 'making a fuss over nothing'.”

Mr Tarman is still insistent that his cold is particularly potent and merciless. “I only hope I live long enough to see the kids grow up,” he said, holding back the tears. “I hope their immune systems can hold out longer than mine did. Jenny, can I get a tea over here please? It really hurts.”  

Ms Magee revealed that she is now considering giving him something to really moan about, such as a DIY castration involving some kitchen utensils.