Facebook Announces New “Live Status” Chips

Social networking site Facebook has announced that it will soon be installing “Live Status” chips within every user in order to track their every move. 

Currently Facebook prides itself on its Status and News Feed features, which openly broadcast a user’s activities to their friends. Though the features have already been incredibly popular among stalkers, Facebook is hoping to take them a step further to offer a more rounded experience. 

“This really is the next logical step for the evolution of Facebook,” said spokeswoman Kat Wiseman. “With our state-of-the-art technology, Facebook will automatically update your status for you based on your exact activities at any given time. It will give our users an enhanced insight into their friends that was unavailable till now.” 

Many members have expressed a distinct lack of enthusiasm for the new plans, following a trial period in certain areas. “This has gone too far,” said one user. “Yesterday I logged on to Facebook and News Feed tells me that ‘Lenny is taking a massive dump’. Like I want to know stuff like that! And then five minutes later, ‘Jim is bashing one out in front of the PC’. That one I didn’t mind so much, but still, the whole thing is a bit too strange for my liking.” 

However the new feature has been accepted by a certain percentage of members. “This was the best thing that ever happened to my life,” said Felicity Purcell. “I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me because Live Status told me upfront, ‘Henry and his next-door neighbour are rutting like beasts’. I couldn’t believe it… And to think, without Live Status I’d never have known. 

“I’ve moved on though – now I’m using this new feed to stalk another guy I fancy. I feel like I know him inside out already, it’s great. If only I could watch him doing all this stuff live somehow…” 

In response, Ms Wiseman states that this will soon be remedied with another upcoming feature on the website. Tentatively known as Facebook Voyeur, it will provide 24-hour video footage of a user’s Facebook friends to complete their stalking experience.