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Ray Mears Develops Primitive Agriculture

National

Herb-grazing telly-bear Ray Mears surprised anthropologists today with an incredible display of primitive farming techniques, indicating a move away from a hunting and gathering approach to survival toward a more normal, sedentary agrarian subsistence. This has been hailed as a breakthrough in the process of 'civilising' Britain's last remaining prehistoric man.

Channel 4 to Launch “Drug Deal or No Deal”

Entertainment

Channel 4 has decided to launch a spin-off of its immensely popular daytime game show, tentatively titled Drug Deal or No Deal.

Jack Bauer Dying for a Lie-Down in 6th Season

Entertainment

Maverick agent Jack Bauer has pleaded for some small degree of respite come the 6^th season of hit show 24.

Chinese Athlete Completes 100 Metres a Year in Advance

Sport

The first Gold, Silver and Bronze Medals of the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games was today presented to Chinese 100 metre runner Zhao Hui, after he completed a 12 second race, finishing first, second, and third, having run the race a year early 'to gain a crucial advantage'.

Foresters asked to ‘plant more trees’ for Bollywood

Entertainment

International forestry is set to receive a huge boost from the Indian film industry, following repeated complaints of a ‘lack of trees to dance around thanks to global warming’.

American Sophomores Free Tibet

World

The 50-year Chinese military stranglehold on Tibet was left in tatters yesterday after a daring ground assault by three Harvard sophomores. Gillian Moore, 19, Sarah Friedberg, 20, and Madison Carter, 20, launched an invasion by commercial airliner, liberating the 1.22 million square kilometre former Autonomous Region in a matter of hours.